Dumb things to do while high on mushrooms

I think I’m high at all times, because these ideas often materialize.  Perhaps oblivion is my natural state of mind.  Could be worse.  I could be, you know, aware, or something.  Anyway:

  1. Walk in to a restaurant with an OPEN sign hanging on the door.  Quietly eat your meal, pay for it (tipping well), and try to leave the restaurant. Observe that, from the inside, the OPEN sign actually says CLOSED.  Assume that this means that the outside world is currently closed for business.  Panic.
  2. Get in your car and drive. Granted, this might be difficult in your current state of mind, but do it anyway.  Push through the paranoia. Drive around for a while, until you hit a STOP sign.  Wait for the sign to change to GO.  Forever.  Or until the drugs wear off.
  3. Sit down in front of your TV. Start hitting the POWER button, assuming that this will cause the TV to become more powerful with each subsequent press of the button.  Become extremely disappointed when the TV doesn’t go Super Saiyan.
  4. Grab a cigarette.  Put it in your mouth, backwards.  Wait for the universe to take a drag.  Burn the inside of your mouth horribly.
  5. Eat a burrito, with a fork and knife.  Cry uncontrollably when its guts spill out onto your plate.  Rub the carne asada gingerly against your face, sobbing, and repeating the words “I’m so sorry.  I didn’t mean for it to end this way!”  Be confused when you are escorted off the premises by a burly Mexican man who is muttering the words “gringo loco.”
  6. Find a chair.  Tell it to get a job.
  7. Go to a zoo. Join a guided tour. At the lion exhibit, ask the tour guide if the lion is the least trustworthy of animals.  When she laughs at your horrible pun, jump into the animal enclosure and point an accusatory finger in a lion’s face, yelling “How can I ever trust you?!” Wake up in the hospital with missing limbs.
  8. Play the board game “Operation.” You should do this with friends.  Attempt to remove the plastic organs from the body with your tongue.  Continue doing this until your friends become uncomfortable.
  9. Attend a slam poetry performance.  Sit in a folding chair.  When a performer approaches you, slowly stand up, fold the chair, and slam his face with it.
  10. Find a dog.  Begin to flip him around.  Become frustrated when nothing happens.  When someone asks you what the hell you are doing, respond “I’m trying to find God.  Dog backwards is God.”  Repeat with a sausage, explaining that sausage backwards is Jesus.

I do not condone any of the above behaviour.  Unless you film it and place it on Youtube, which absolves you of any judgement.


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