And now for something you’ll really like, irrelevant rambling. Following is a list of phrases you will probably never hear in your lifetime.
“Get that placenta out of my face!”: Unless you allowed your family’s token drunk uncle into the delivery room and he picks up the post-birth goop and tries to playfully attack you with it, this is a phrase that you should never hear. If you did allow Uncle Bob into the delivery room, you’ve already made your first mistake as a parent, not even 3 seconds into parenthood. The combination of sharp surgical tools, sensitive medical equipment, a bleary-eyed infant, Bob’s flask of Jameson, and his boisterous booming voice just seems wrong. An infant is basically a hungover adult. Keep it to a dull roar, eh?
“No thanks, I don’t like free stuff”: Swag: stuff we all get. Better: free stuff we all get. If there exists a person in this world who can resist the lure of free crap, he should be taken out into the Yukon wilderness, placed on an floating slab of ice, and beaten with a club, like a seal. His skin should be used for a parka (no point in wasting perfectly good hide). The point is that none of us can decline offerings of free pens, free mugs, or free phallically-shaped decorative soaps. We would even pause, ever so momentarily, at the words “Free Herpes.” Nevermind that we don’t need any of this stuff and that it will inevitably end up in your “crap drawer”, a receptacle so full and so diverse in its content you could open up a midget flea market with all the key-chain ornaments contained therein.
“What a hideous baby!”: Despite the fact that human babies are basically miniaturized old men – wrinkled poop machines, really – they are ogled, tickled and played with like tiny Tickle-Me-Elmos. The human life cycle is as follows:
1) Babies: Ugly, unproductive members of society. They can’t drive or use a toilet.
2) Children: Whimsically fun-loving, hilarious creatures put on Earth for your entertainment. Kinda cute. Akin to puppy dogs whose feet slide apart on the hardwood floor.
2) Teenagers: snotty awkward creatures with bad skin and bones protruding at strange angles.
4) Seniors: Ugly, unproductive members of society. They can’t drive or use a toilet.
Let’s face it, human babies are amongst the ugliest babies known to man. Exhibit A:
There’s definitely a reason kitten videos are more popular than baby videos on Youtube. Something about “Ceiling Baby is Watching You” is more creepy than cute, mmkay? And yet, human adults love human babies – instinctively so. If that’s not a sign of evolution, I don’t know what is.
“For fifty cents less you can get a small”: While many Americans are in dire need of hearing this phrase, McDongalds (or Jack-off-the-box, or Burger Schwing, or Wendy’s cooter) will never utter these words. They tempt us with cheap up-sizing, claiming that you get more food while failing to mention that this extra grub is recommended only for those with pet pigs to eat their leftovers or if they are themselves pigs. Oink. Put… down… the fork.
“I’m so drunk, let’s snuggle”: This should be what men say when they are drunk because, well, “whiskey dick” is not an arbitrary term. It comes from generations of experience from hundreds of millions of men (most of them in Ireland). But booze is a cold-hearted bitch. She demands perfect balance and moderation while encouraging you to binge. She gets you all wound up until you cross that line and find that a) you are hornier than a triceratops, b) your pickup lines, while seeming like gems, come out as “Hey baby, your ass is from space, want to probe, let’s knock uglies.” c) attempting to climb on top of your partner causes sickening vertigo, and d) certain appendages are more noodly then they ought to be. Damn you, whiskey. Okay. I’m sorry whiskey. Things were said in the heat of the moment (just now). I’ve been drinking (you) and lost track of what I was saying (to you). I’m sorry. I take it back. Let’s never fight again.
That is all.
Feel free to add any other phrases, oh wise readers.